Read the transcript here.
Here are some of my favorite excerpts:
Stewart on Nader: "But I do think there are some -- I think that conservatives for Nader is probably equal in size to the group retarded death row inmates for Bush. Maybe two on each side."
Stewart on bombing as geography education: "Absolutely. I didn't know Kabul was the capital of Afghanistan until we started bombing it. And I thought to myself what a great fact. If we would haven't gone to war there, I certainly wouldn't have known that. And I think, for the kids today, it's important for them to learn geography. And I think, in an as violent a way as possible."
Stewart on God: "Very angry. Loves the Americans. Very big. Wants us to have bigger cars. Wants us to have bigger cars and as a little goof on us has only made a finite supply of oil. It's very -- he's very funny. He's a trickster. Here's another little joke he did. He promised three different religions they were the chosen ones, Judaism, Christianity and Islam, and then, funny, follow me, he put their holiest sites all in the same place. And then he backed away and he just wants to see who wants it more. That's what this is about. This is God going, hey, show me something, people."
Stewart on same-sex marriage: "STEWART: Same-sex marriage is a very difficult situation and I was freaked out by it too. You know that.
STEWART: Well, until I found out that it wasn't mandatory, because I love my wife and I'd hate to have to leave her for a dude. So I didn't want that."
Stewart on the DNC: "CALLER: I just want to know what the shows plans are for covering the convention up in Boston.
KING: Yes, what are your plans?
STEWART: It's an excellent question. As a fake news organization.
STEWART: And the conventions obviously being a fake news event, we are the only ones on the same level. So we'll be covering it. We'll have extensive coverage."
Stewart on Kennedy's assassination: "Let me put it this way. When Kennedy died, I cried but for a completely different reason. I was tired and I'd just gone in my pants."
Stewart on 18-24 year-olds: "They're not, you know. I'm not worried about this next generation, believe me, the 18 to 24-year-olds. Those people that I've met, they're very smart. They're very engaged. The fact that they vote in the same percentages that we all voted at that age is fine."
Stewart on the news media: "I believe -- I believe what's happened is they've all become part of the same organism and no longer see themselves as an another. And by no longer being an other you have a stake, a sort of in the symbiosis of it and I think that's where the difficulty came. The idea, that they fear loss of access or promotion. Journalist have become stars. And your stardom is about who you can get, and by getting the right person you allow yourself to keep advancing and therefore, you can never -- then the power -- the paradigm has switched.
TV was better than the politicians in 1960. When it first came out and the politicians didn't know how to manipulate it. It was the Nixon-Kennedy debate. And Nixon went, I look great, what do you mean? I'm a little sweaty and pasty, but what's that going to matter?
And then politicians learned it how to manipulate the medium and manipulate new cycle and TV has never caught up, but they don't want to because they have no jeopardy. They're working for themselves instead of working for us anymore. I don't mean that in a bad way."
Stewart on his virginity: "KING: Hello.
CALLER: Yes. I happen to be at the commencement for William and Mary graduation where Jon received his honorary doctorate.
STEWART: Let me apologize right off the bat. Oh, is that.
KING: We wanted to hear the question.
STEWART: I just wanted to apologize because...
KING: Do you think she's going to be critical?
STEWART: I would think so.
CALLER: Oh, no, no, I have a very light and fluffy question to ask him.
KING: What is it.
STEWART: Light and fluffy. Jon, you said you lost your virginity in '81 and gained it back by appeal in '83.
STEWART: It was appealed by the woman, and it was -- the court awarded the virginity back '83, that is correct?
KING: Was that your question ma'am?
CALLER: That was my question. That is my burning question and where are the photos?
KING: OK, so you're saying commencement address they gave you an honorary degree. You said you lost your virginity in '81 and got it back...
STEWART: On appeal in '83. I fought it for two years, I fought it through all the courts all of the way up, but they said, the final in the Supreme Court in a 5-4 decision, it was very close, party lines, saw my performance and said I'm afraid you still have your virginity."